What do I have in common with Angelina Jolie Pitt, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenna Dewan Tatum?
Well, very little...except that we all have two last names!
To Take His Last Name or Not
While I don't normally make my decisions based off what celebrities are doing or what's popular, some trends are worth noting. Women keeping their maiden names after marriage is on the rise. According to the New York Times, 30% of women are reported to have kept their maiden name after marriage in some form in 2014.Most people think there are two options: keep your maiden name or take his name. That's just not the case anymore. The Bridal Guide has a useful breakdown of changing last name options (obviously this could be applied to lesbian/gay relationships as well).
Let's start with Option 5: Take your spouse’s last name because it's still the most popular option out there! 70% of women who marry a man take his last name, and that's the lowest it's ever been in history. I really like my husband's last name. But I've always been "SarahSherman." Growing up with so many other Sarahs this was how I was distinguished from the rest. My last name is a part of the name. (Even my husband calls me that!) Thinking of being Sarah Julien was giving me an identity crisis, so this option wasn't for me.
Option 1: Keep your maiden name. While I considered this option, because I knew I couldn't say goodbye to my last name, it didn't feel quite right for me either. I plan on having children and I didn't like the idea of my kids having the last name of Julien when I didn't. I appreciate blogger The Reflective Bride's take Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name for Marriage.
Skipping ahead to Option 7: Have your spouse take your name, that just wasn't going to happen. I got a straight up, "No way." Why should he have to change his last name? His last name is great! But so is mine. Why should I have to change mine? Because it's tradition? Because I'm a woman? The feminist in me does not like those reasons.
Option 4: Take your maiden name as a middle name and your spouse’s last name is really popular right now. But what about your middle name? Getting rid of my last name didn't feel right to me and neither did getting rid of my middle name. My middle name is special and was given to me by my great aunt. I couldn't just throw it away like it'd never been there.
The other issue I had with this option is how often do you use your middle name? Hardly ever. And it's usually just the first initial when you do. To me, this option felt the same as taking his last name. Everyone would call me Sarah Julien, who would care that my middle name was Sherman? No one would call me that anymore.
Option 6: Create a blended last name with your spouse. That would have been sweet but didn't really work for our names. Juliman. Sherlien. It just kind of ruins both of our last names. I think this is a great option if it works!
It became clear to me that I would only be happy if I had both names.
Option 2: Hyphenate your name with your spouse’s. Hyphens. I don't know. I mean, I've seen a lot of hyphenated last names and they are fine. Sherman-Julien, it's not bad. But do I have to?
No. Which leaves Option 3: Take two last names sans hyphen, or in my mind, The Best of Both Worlds. I love having options and this is the answer that gives me the most.
Having two last names allows me to use Sarah Sherman where I see fit, or Sarah Julien, or Sarah Sherman Julien. I can use any combination of my names. I will have the same last name that my kids will have. I will never have to feel as Jill Simonian, TV Host & Entertainment Journalist, does in her article, Huge Mistake: I Kept My Maiden Name. I'll never have to question my identity as I'll remain "SarahSherman." See? The best of both worlds. I love my new name.
This is a trend I'm excited to see grow as I've noticed a lot of people don't understand it. I was told I couldn't by other women. Yes, I can and I did. "Sherman is your middle name thought, right?" is another question I get. Nope. I still have my middle name. Sherman Julien is my legal last name. Yes, with a space. Nope, no hyphen.
I'll admit, the questions and having to explain myself over and over is annoying, but it's worth it in the end. As the trend grows, less people will question it. It will become more normal.
While I do promote the two last name option, feminism is all about empowering women to make choices for herself, by herself. Therefore, every woman should do whatever feels right for her.
Making a choice for yourself and by yourself, simply means a choice without outside influence or pressure from family, fiancés, or society.
Choosing your name is extremely important. Don't make the decision lightly or without thought. You have the freedom to choose what you want. If someone doesn't like it, they will get over it. All that matters is that you like it. You're the one who is going to have to live with it, sign with it, and identify with it. I made the right choice for myself and I hope my thought process will help you make yours.
Skipping ahead to Option 7: Have your spouse take your name, that just wasn't going to happen. I got a straight up, "No way." Why should he have to change his last name? His last name is great! But so is mine. Why should I have to change mine? Because it's tradition? Because I'm a woman? The feminist in me does not like those reasons.
The great thing about posing this option to your future spouse is that it forces him to think of it from your point of view. Once he thought about how it would feel to have to change his last name, he no longer held an expectation for me to change mine.
Option 4: Take your maiden name as a middle name and your spouse’s last name is really popular right now. But what about your middle name? Getting rid of my last name didn't feel right to me and neither did getting rid of my middle name. My middle name is special and was given to me by my great aunt. I couldn't just throw it away like it'd never been there.
The other issue I had with this option is how often do you use your middle name? Hardly ever. And it's usually just the first initial when you do. To me, this option felt the same as taking his last name. Everyone would call me Sarah Julien, who would care that my middle name was Sherman? No one would call me that anymore.
Option 6: Create a blended last name with your spouse. That would have been sweet but didn't really work for our names. Juliman. Sherlien. It just kind of ruins both of our last names. I think this is a great option if it works!
I Want It All
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| Queen |
Option 2: Hyphenate your name with your spouse’s. Hyphens. I don't know. I mean, I've seen a lot of hyphenated last names and they are fine. Sherman-Julien, it's not bad. But do I have to?
No. Which leaves Option 3: Take two last names sans hyphen, or in my mind, The Best of Both Worlds. I love having options and this is the answer that gives me the most.
Having two last names allows me to use Sarah Sherman where I see fit, or Sarah Julien, or Sarah Sherman Julien. I can use any combination of my names. I will have the same last name that my kids will have. I will never have to feel as Jill Simonian, TV Host & Entertainment Journalist, does in her article, Huge Mistake: I Kept My Maiden Name. I'll never have to question my identity as I'll remain "SarahSherman." See? The best of both worlds. I love my new name.
This is a trend I'm excited to see grow as I've noticed a lot of people don't understand it. I was told I couldn't by other women. Yes, I can and I did. "Sherman is your middle name thought, right?" is another question I get. Nope. I still have my middle name. Sherman Julien is my legal last name. Yes, with a space. Nope, no hyphen.
I'll admit, the questions and having to explain myself over and over is annoying, but it's worth it in the end. As the trend grows, less people will question it. It will become more normal.
The Right Choice for You
Making a choice for yourself and by yourself, simply means a choice without outside influence or pressure from family, fiancés, or society.
- If you're worried that your fiancé won't like you keeping your name - that's outside influence on your decision.
- If you're worried about what people at work will think after you're married - that's outside influence.
- If you're worried that your future in-laws will think you don't like them - that's outside influence.
- If you're worried about being pestered about your decisions - that's outside influence.
Choosing your name is extremely important. Don't make the decision lightly or without thought. You have the freedom to choose what you want. If someone doesn't like it, they will get over it. All that matters is that you like it. You're the one who is going to have to live with it, sign with it, and identify with it. I made the right choice for myself and I hope my thought process will help you make yours.
